My friends, after I lost Halia, I had to do so much soul searching. One of the first things that laid heavy on my heart was thinking about my own death… How did I want those closest to me to grieve? Would I want Nick, my husband, to bury himself in work or be curled up in a ball unable to get out of bed? Did I want him to pack all my pictures away and pretend I never existed? How did I want my kids to respond to my death? Did I want them to keep on living life or declare that the world was dark with no joy left?
As difficult as this sounds, these questions help me sum up how I want to be impacted by the life of my daughter: gratitude. Let me emphasis that this is based on my own feelings. You may answer the questions above differently and develop a different response.
My greatest desire was/is/will always be for my family to seek gratitude. In the midst of the pain, it is so difficult to find gratitude, but I always find myself coming back to this word. When I die, I don’t want my children to feel stuck in anger at my loss, but instead, feel gratitude for having me as a mom, for the times we had together, and the lessons I taught them. I want my children to feel gratitude for my love and carry that into the world. So the difficult part is trying to apply this to a miscarriage. How do I apply this to Halia’s loss… To implement this into the loss of a child is EXTREMELY challenging! There are days when I do not want to find the gratitude. How could I find gratitude in losing a child? It is so unfair! But there are many things I am grateful for.
I am grateful for the friends I have made along this journey. The beautiful families that have walked by our side and we would not have met otherwise. I have made life-long friends with such deep connections, and for that, I am so grateful.
I am grateful for how it has drawn my family closer. My husband and I found so much comfort in one another after our loss. We read through a devotional together and grew in our faith because of our little girl. We spent more time reconnecting on what truly mattered in our marriage. I found myself hugging my other children so much tighter because of what a blessing they are. I no longer take them for granted. They are so precious and each day is a gift. I loved my family before, but the depth of my love has grown immensely since our loss. For this, we are so grateful.
I am grateful for how my faith took wings and soared like an eagle. I found myself so angry at God, and yet like a child, I needed him to hold me close. I found myself more often in prayer and at his feet. For this, I am so grateful.
I have found more meaning and more purpose because of my little girl’s short life. I am here, sharing our story, helping others, and finding a deeper purpose in life because of Halia. For this, I am so very grateful.
If given the option to go through all of this again or for her never to exist, I would chose her every time because she has made me a better person and for that, I am so grateful and honored to be her mother. Thank you, Halia, for your sweet little life.
I encourage you to meditate and journal on how you desire those closest to you to grieve the loss of you and then give yourself permission to grieve in this way. Be kind and gentle to yourself, my friend, and allow yourself to grieve. And as always, I am here because we are not alone.