Why are some days more difficult? To answer my question, I don’t know. Why has the last few days been so hard? No idea. What has changed? Honestly, nothing that I can see… but I can feel it. I can feel that I am struggling to breathe at moments because I miss my daughter so. I can feel my anger rising since none of this seems fair. I can even feel myself wanting to deny my feelings and forget everything that happened just to provide some relief, but I know this will not help me in the end.
My friends, grief has no end destination. Many days I wish there was a finish line that says “Congratulations, you are now done grieving. You can move on with your life!” The reality is that grief just does not work this way. We are told that grief is this straight line of stages and eventually you get to the end, “Acceptance,” but I feel this is such a lie. I may have accepted my loss one day and the next I am back at stage one of denial! It feels so unfair! I saw a diagram of grief once that truly resonated with me. Instead of the straight line, the line was a tangled mess. That really feels like the true grief journey.
Just so you know, most days are truly beautiful and filled with so much gratitude. If you ever come to my house, you will see little glimpses of Halia throughout. I keep her very near and dear to my heart and am not afraid to share her with anyone. But even then, I have hard days. And today is one of those days.
So today, I have definitely tried to ignore the grief I am feeling. What does this look like? I had a stack of photos on the floor and the stack shifted to expose a photo of Nick and I holding Halia at the hospital. My heart got angry and I just found myself wanting to trash the photo for causing me to confront my grief. Why couldn’t I just have a pleasant day? But I know deep down that if I keep ignoring my grief, it will find a way out. As I am writing, my shoulder muscles are tensing because my body wants to let out the grief and I don’t want to let myself cry. Grief is hard. I don’t always WANT to grieve… but it always finds a way out, whether that is tight muscles or lashing out at others, exhaustion or some other manifestation.
Have you given yourself permission to grieve lately? Or are you like me recently, putting your grief in a box and shelving it? If this is you, join me today by going to a safe place and gently taking your grief box down. Get some kleenex, set an atmosphere that is peaceful, and let yourself remember and grieve.
It is okay to grieve, my friends. It is okay. Your love is why you grieve and that is a beautiful thing.
Also, please do not take this road alone, because you are not alone.